


11.) I keep a close watch on this heart of mine

by WarriorBeeoftheSea



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Carry On Round Robin, M/M, THERE WAS ONLY ONE BED
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-05
Updated: 2019-08-05
Packaged: 2020-07-31 14:55:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,951
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20116933
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WarriorBeeoftheSea/pseuds/WarriorBeeoftheSea
Summary: Baz just wants to be left alone.





	11.) I keep a close watch on this heart of mine

**Simon**

I’m ready for a fight, but Baz is just staring at me. He looks tired. The skin on my neck itches where I yanked the chain against it, and I almost viscerally feel the absence of the cross. I mean, I don’t really; that’s not how it works.

I think Baz probably feels it more than I do. He just barely leans towards me, the cat still in his arms, before he closes his eyes and lets out a sigh. “Please just leave me alone, Snow.”

He turns away from me, and it feels like a punch in the gut. This is worse than getting shoved down the stairs. I feel dizzy.

He opens the door to our room and strides in, dropping the cat on his bed. I watch his back through the open door, and he turns his head to call over his shoulder, “The sodding cat is mine, Snow.” He’s not looking at me, but I’m staring at his face in profile. That nose with its bump. That furrowed brow I want to smooth with my thumb. Fucking _ fuck_, why did I do this?

He’s still, like he’s waiting for a response, but I don’t know what he wants to hear so I say nothing. After a moment, he seems satisfied and turns away from me again. Then he’s digging in his desk drawer for something. I step carefully into the room and watch him.

“What are you doing?” He pauses and takes a breath, but then continues his search like he didn’t hear me. He’s deliberately ignoring me.

Finally, he finds what he’s looking for and holds it up in his fist. It’s a big fat permanent marker. He turns and gives me a hard look, right in the eyes, before uncapping it and turning back away from me.

Then he’s crouching down and scrawling a thick line on the floor.

“What are you–”

He cuts me off with a glare. “You don’t get to ask what I’m doing. Leave me the _ fuck _ alone.”

I step back guiltily and sink onto my bed to watch him. He continues his work, drawing a line around his things. Around his desk, between our beds, even along the edge of his nightstand where it sits next to mine. There’s a shared lamp sitting across the two surfaces, and he considers it a moment, before picking it up and setting in completely on his side of the line.

He even draws the line up onto the wall, as high as he can reach. I almost expect him to find a way to reach the ceiling, before he stops and caps the marker. He steps back and examines his work.

He tosses the marker onto his desk again, and pulls his wand from his pocket. I flinch before I remember he won’t do anything to me in our room.

He turns and looks at me pointedly, and I think he doesn’t want me to see him cast. _ Self conscious? _ I wonder. _ Or is he plotting? _ I take his point and turn away from him. It seems this satisfies him because he starts speaking with magic.

"**I walk the line**." I don’t know what that spell does. I’ve never heard it before, but it sounds very familiar. I’d ask, but I don’t think he wants me to talk to him right now.

I glance over in time to see the messy black line glow with magic, and then fade back to black. I look up and realize Baz is watching me, his face unreadable.

“You have to leave me alone.”

It’s the last thing Baz says to me for a very long time.

**Baz**

Maybe it’s a little childish to cast a barrier spell to keep Simon off my side of the room, but I’m hurting and I don’t care.

I almost wonder why I’ve never done this before, but I know I’m only kidding myself. I’ve never truly wanted him to leave me alone before. I mean, really, truly. The spell won’t work if you aren’t certain.

I don’t know if I’m certain. I must be though, because the line glows with my magic. I must want this. My heart clenches in my chest.

**Simon**

I’ve figured out this is some kind of barrier spell. And it’s meant to keep _ me _ out. It’s been up for a week or so, and everytime I get close to the line, my teeth ache. It’s like nails on a chalkboard. I think I could cross the line if I really wanted to, but it would hurt like hell.

And I’m not sure I want to. Penny tells me I’ve overstepped, that Baz is right to expect some space from me, and I’m pretty sure she’s right.

Anyway, that’s how I figure out the spell is only meant to keep _ me _ out. After watching the cat climb up to curl up around Baz’s feet every night, I ask Penny to come take a look. She sneaks in while Baz is at football practice.

“I’m not sure of the spell. Something about walking a line?” I start to explain, but then she’s tossing herself onto Baz’s bed without incident. I frown.

“Must not keep everyone out if the cat and I can both cross it.” I’d been wondering if he’d somehow spelled an exception to let the cat up onto his bed. Now I know it must not work that way; there’s no way Baz would deliberately make an exception for Penny, too.

She sits up on the bed while I watch awkwardly from across the room. “Was it _ I walk the line _?” She says it without magic, but with significance. I nod. “Hmm.” She narrows her eyes and looks around Baz’s side of the room. “It’s a wonky spell. I tried it once when my siblings kept playing in my room.”

I cross my arms. “What’s so wonky about it?”

She climbs off of Baz’s bed, smoothing the blankets with her hand before stepping out of his space. “Well, it’s a song, Simon. Songs are always tricky. This one especially.” I’m looking at her blankly. “Simon, you must know this song. It’s Johnny Cash, I’m sure you’ve heard it.”

I shrug again. “Doesn’t really matter, does it? He wants me to leave him alone, yeah?”

Penny looks at me seriously. “What are you going to do?”

“I’ll leave him alone.”

And I do. Weeks pass. Baz recasts the barrier spell every week or so, and I give his bed a wide berth. The term ends, and I go home with Agatha for Christmas. I don’t know where Baz goes; I assume he goes home. We still haven’t spoken. Or, he hasn’t spoken a word to me.

I get back from the Wellbeloves' before gets back. It must be two weeks or so since Baz recast the barrier; I’m able to inch closer to his bed before my molars begin to ache.

When he gets back to the dorm, he glares at me and pulls out his wand to mutter the spell again. The cat pads around after him; he must have taken it home with him for the holidays.

More weeks pass and I try to ignore the stutter in my heart whenever Baz pointedly turns away from me.

It’s fine. It’s _ fine_.

I’m lying in my bed one Saturday morning in March, watching him reapply the barrier before he gathers up his clothes and locks himself in the en suite for a shower. The words tumble through my mind again. _ I walk the line_.

Oh! A melody plays through my head. Penny was right, I _ have _ heard the song before. _ I find it very very easy to be– _ What? How does the song go?

I hum lazily to myself, trying to remember the words. I haven’t been sleeping well, and want to stay in bed a little longer. I let my eyes drift closed and hum a little more to myself.

_ Oh_. My eyes shoot open in time to see the black line glow with my magic. _ Merlin_, it’s not supposed to work that way! Mages can’t cast spells by just humming a barely remembered song. I’m not even holding my wand.

I scramble out of bed. Baz is going to kill me. I inch towards the line to see if I can tell what I did. It still hurts to get near, and _ badly_.

I flinch away and dress quickly. Maybe I didn’t really do anything, and Baz won’t notice. I’m not too keen on being in the room when he figures it out, though.

**Baz**

When I leave the en suite, I can tell something is different. The air is practically sparking with Simon’s magic. I look around, but he’s not here. _ Must have set something on fire and buggered off_.

I roll my eyes and approach my bed, when it hits me. A prickling pain in my jaw and teeth, my _ normal _ teeth. This has nothing to do with my fangs. I look down at the floor, where the black line is. I inch towards it and the pain throbs. I draw away and the throbbing subsides.

That _ fucking _ nightmare.

**Simon**

I spend as much of the day as I can avoiding Baz. I’m still not sure if I’ve done anything to his spell, but it seems wise to give him space. A _ lot _ of space.

I’m sat at a table in the library with Penny, trying to study, when I spy Baz stomping around a bookshelf.

_ Shit_. I did do something. He’s glaring at the books and doesn’t see me. I sink down in my seat and watch him run his fingers over the spines, reading the titles. He finds the one he’s looking for and pulls it roughly off the shelf, and then storms away again.

I let out a breath and turn my attention back to our table to find Penny narrowing her eyes at me. “What did you do?”

“What makes you think I did something? Maybe his pissy mood has nothing to do with me.” She looks at me wordlessly. “I didn’t do anything!” She raises an eyebrow. _ Bloody hell_.

I hastily gather my books into a pile to leave, before I remember I’m avoiding my room. “I’ll be back for these later.”

I just catch Penny’s eyeroll before I’m out the door of the library. I keep going, out of the gates, past the moat, into the fields. I have to get away.

I spend the rest of the day with Ebb, and she doesn’t ask me what I’m running away from, like Penny would.

It’s dark when I finally get back to our room. I can’t avoid it any longer. I’m hoping that at least Baz is out feeding when I get back.

I open the door. “Snow.” No such luck.

I sigh and enter the room. Baz is sitting on the floor, leaning against the foot of my bed. He looks tired and a bit rumpled.

**Baz**

I am so bloody tired. I spent most of the day trying to get past my own barrier spell to get to my blasted bed. The cat sits on the bed staring at me (mocking me?) so I know the barrier hasn’t completely closed over my side of the room. It just won’t let _ me _ in. I idly wonder if Simon can get in now. That would be just my luck. Simon Snow, in my bed without me.

Now I just want to climb into bed and cry. But I _ can’t_. I brush my hand over my face and look up at Simon. “What did you do?”

“What do you mean?” I give him a look. We both know he did something to my barrier spell, whether intentionally or not. He sighs. “I don’t know what I did. I just hummed the song.”

It shouldn’t be possible to bollocks up someone else’s spell by bloody _ humming_, but I’ve learned not to be surprised by Simon’s ability to go above and beyond.

I’m too tired to fight, though. I pull my knees up to my chest and press my face against them. “I just want to sleep, Snow.” It comes out mumbled and I’m not sure he hears me.

“Sleep in my bed then.” My head shoots up and I look at him in shock. “Alone, I mean. I’ll take the floor.”

I watch him carefully. He swallows slowly and my eyes glide up and down his throat. _ Fuck_. I want so much to climb into his bed. I want to sleep, and I want to smell his pillow, and I don’t half want him there too. I’ll take what I can get, though. I nod.

**Simon**

Baz looks slightly terrified. “Do you want, um… to borrow some–” I gesture up and down on my own body. _ Pyjamas_. I don’t know why I can’t say the word. Maybe it feels too intimate.

He nods again. “I can’t get into my wardrobe either.” I dig in one of my drawers to pull out two pairs of pyjamas, handing one to him.

He stares down at them in his hand a moment. “Snow, you can’t… you can’t cross the barrier, can you?”

I shake my head, and inch towards it just to make sure. My teeth still ache, so I flinch back. He’s looking at me, considering something.

Wordlessly, he turns to the en suite to change for bed.

**Baz**

I’m curled in Simon Snow’s bed, and it smells like him. I’m still not certain how I feel about him after everything, but I know I still crave the smell of him.

Simon is on the floor. He tried laying out a blanket between our beds, but the space was small enough he said the barrier spell gave him a headache. Now he’s sprawled out at the foot of his own bed, across his spare blanket. He only has the one pillow, which he graciously gave to me, so his head is resting on a balled up jumper.

“Simon?” It’s barely a whisper. I don’t want to wake him if he’s already asleep.

“Yeah?” His voice is clear. I obviously didn’t wake him.

Now I’m not sure what to say. There’s so much I _ want _ to say. _ Why did you invade my privacy like that? Do you still want me? Have I pushed you away? Do you mind that I desperately love you and want to push you into the moat all at once? Have I made my point? _

I’m taking too long to speak. “Baz?” He sits up to look at me. “You alright?”

He’s beautiful and I hate myself. Moonlight catches in his bronze curls, and I wish I could reach out to touch him. I _ can_; I’m pretty sure he’d let me. At least, I think he might still want that. But I _ can’t_.

I squeeze my eyes shut so I don’t have to look at him. “Do you still want me?” My blood rushes in my ears. I almost can’t bear to listen to his answer. But it’s worse not knowing.

He reaches over to grasp the arch of my foot through the blanket. The cat is curled up next to my feet and gives a curious chirp.

I open my eyes and meet his. “Yeah. I still want you, if you’ll have me.”

I sit up in exasperation, disturbing the cat. “What does that _ mean_, though?”

He looks confused. “What do you mean, _ what does it mean_? It means I want you.”

I climb off his bed and inch towards him on the floor. I’m so close to him. Closer than I’ve let myself get in months.

“Do you want to kiss me?”

He nods.

“What about date me?” He opens his mouth to speak, but I don’t let him answer. I _ can’t _ let him answer. “How about fuck me? Marry me? Use me? Fight me?”

He pushes a finger against my lips to stop me. “Baz. I’m only 15.”

I laugh, despite myself. “Too young for marriage, then?”

He pulls me closer by the waist. “Way too young for marriage.” He puts a hand on the back of my neck, and lays back down on his makeshift bed. “How about we just snog a bit.”

I want to be strong enough to resist him. But more than that, I want to snog him silly. I let him pull me down next to him, and then I’m letting him kiss me. We’re kissing on the _ floor_. He’s kissing me _ again_. I was worried he’d never kiss me again.

All at once I come to a point of mental clarity with Simon Snow’s tongue in my mouth. I pull back slowly, letting him finish his exploration of my mouth.

**Simon**

“You like kissing me.”

I open my eyes and frown slightly. “Yeah…”

“And I like kissing you.”

My frown turns into a lopsided grin and I lean in for another kiss.

He sits up, and presses a hand against my chest to keep me from following. “I’m still not sure what else we want from each other.” I start to object, but he continues. “I’m not saying there _ isn’t _ anything else.”

“What is it, then?” I’m worried he’s going to tell me this is a mistake.

He runs a hand through his hair. I want to be doing that. “I want space to figure that out. I want to know that _ you _ are willing to give me that space.”

I nod. “I can do that.”

He looks at me and nods almost imperceptibly. “I’m going back to bed.” He pulls away, and pauses. “Goodnight, Simon.”

Then he’s gone, and I’m lying alone on the floor.


End file.
